i autistic » Relationships » Dating is not just looks and money

Working for an employer has a lot of similarities to building a romantic relationship, as there are many common skills and demands that both types of social relationships have.

If you can’t pass a job interview to get a job, you probably can’t get a date (except with those who want to exploit you, such as getting your money or marrying you to obtain citizenship). If you can’t stay in a job, you can’t stay in a long-term committed relationship.

 

From the perspective of employers, some qualities won’t give you an advantage but will cause you to be automatically rejected if you lack them. For instance, you need the essential credentials, relevant skills and the fundamental commitment to turn up to work on time.

It is the same as a romantic relationship: e.g., sufficient income with stable employment, decent physical looks, stable mental health, no disabilities that require constant caregiving, compatible personality and lifestyle, intense loyalty and commitment levels. The more options a NeuroTypical person has, the higher their rejection standards for potential suitors will be.

 

There are also qualities which give advantages. Examples will have highly in-demand skills that other candidates lack, previous valuable job experiences especially with competitors, being willing to go the extra mile to do a good job and successfully managing people to get things done.

In the context of a heterosexual romantic relationship, typically, the male partner will aim to fulfill the unique profile of needs of each NeuroTypical woman, such as intimacy (physical, social and emotional), a sense of security, positivity and being cheered up when she is unhappy (such as good sense of humour), and experiences of joint adventure/novelty.

One common complaint of NeuroTypical women is that many male autistics have terrible intimacy skills. And sorry, you can’t just attend a typical social skills class to learn how to kiss or have bedroom activities.

 

I have male Singaporean autistic friends who expressed deep concern about the low-income levels earned by their peers, as the narrative circulating is that NeuroTypical women care primarily about the wealth and earning power of their male partners.

However, income is only one of the considerations for NeuroTypical women. At best, minimum income may be used similarly to recognised Bachelor’s degrees for many jobs; they disqualify the applicant if the applicant lacks it but will only advantage the applicant if the qualifications are outstanding.

 

NeuroTypical women have many other needs that they expect their male partners to fulfil – novelty, social, emotional, intimate, sexual, etc. Many intentionally create drama in the relationship to spice things up and test their male partners. They will only stay long with a man who provides for these needs and handles their tests successfully.

Suppose that some autistic people have no idea about these and think that having money alone is sufficient to attract a good quality spouse. In that case, these naive suitors may find out the hard way after getting cheated or exploited by women who specialise in targeting men only for money.

Even if the autistic man is lucky enough to find a NeuroTypical woman who is so deeply in love that she marries him despite him not meeting her needs, the result is usually unpleasant. It is especially traumatic for both parties if we pretend to behave like someone else to get married, then revert to our original selves after marriage.

 

As a reference, the following lists of reasons are not why we should start a romantic relationship:

  • Happiness only comes from having children, especially an autistic child.
  • I need to do my part to reproduce as my country has a low Total Fertility Rate and an ageing population.
  • My same-aged peers are all getting married, so I also need to get married.
  • My parents are happily married, so I should follow them in getting married.
  • My role model is married, so I also want to get married.
  • I need to be guided by NeuroTypical people to succeed, and marrying one is the best way to do it.

 

It is essential for everyone, especially autistic people, to understand the costs and implications of engaging in romantic relationships before attempting to pursue these.

Not being able to find a romantic partner may be a blessing in disguise for those who are not ready, as it can save them from a lot of drama and trauma.