Autistic Romance

Note: This article is written for autistics. Non-autistics can also feel free to read.
Inspired by "I don't know what I am missing" by Dr. Lars Perner, another autistic

I suspect that romance is not something that most autistics are ready for. Many autistics are sick of hearing about romance because it makes no sense to them, but everyone tells them that they ought to become involved in it. Some autism books provide tips on how to handle romance, but perhaps what autistics would like to know is the significance of romance - what it means and why. [The real experience cannot be defined in words, but...] Romance is an intense relationship between two people where both feel the overwhelming desire to be with and to hold each other forever.

Not all romances are similar. There are many different levels of romance - from the sensual to the empathy-love to even the spiritual-platonic level. Each of these provides a difference experience and are enjoyed differently. What romance does have in common is an intense mutual breathing of thoughts, emotions and will between both partners. Emotions flow into each other and both use speech, eye gazes, touch, body movements (like a dance) to create mutual joy and together-ness.

Many romances do not last because the couple involved are not willing to commit to a long-term mutual relationship. Unless both partners find room in their lives for each other and maintain a sense of mutual trust, their relationship may develop into an obligation or power struggle. This is when painful breakups occur. Thus, it is wise to develop and choose romantic relationships carefully.

Romance works for people who are ready to give and take. It works for people who can love themselves, including their history, behaviors and self image. It works for people who have created a meaningful and satisfying life for themselves. It works for people who already have a inner knowing of who they are. With this, romance will bring out the best in both partners - the best of empathy, playing, sharing, surrendering and creativity.

Romance does not work for people hungry with unmet needs. Romance does not work on sexual desire alone or the desire for approval. Romance does not work with demands and obligations. This kind of romance will bring out the worst in each other - jealousy, blackmail, frustration etc. Autistics are vulnerable because they tend to be self-loathing and not in touch with their positive feelings.

A common form of unhealthy relationship is the victim-exploiter relationship. One individual (usually female) acts as the victim, surrendering herself completely to the whims and fancies of her exploiter. The exploiter then demands sexual access and complete obedience, creating a very unhappy victim.

Another form of unhealthy relationships is emotional dependency. One requires one's partner to perform certain acts to show their love. For instance, a lady may want her boyfriend to listen to her complains for a few hours every day, while another wants her boyfriend to occasionally buy "secret" presents and play a game of hide and seek to find those presents. When they did not receive this "emotional stroking", they often end up in ugly quarrels.

Sometimes these people insist on their own ways of showing love despite knowing that their partner does not find it meaningful. For example, some will show their love with gifts of money while their partner does it with amateur paintings and fun games. Both did not appreciate each others' affection. Result: Mutual unhappiness and accusations of lack of affection.

Perhaps some autistics are wiser to ask for a really good partner and not to settle for anything lesser, or to avoid romance altogether. Their overly weak or aggressive individualism can make them too submissive or aggressive for their partners. Instinctive impairment may make it impossible to for them to perform the coordinated social dance. Sensory sensitivities may make them unwilling to develop intimacy due to "the weird disgusting feeling" when others touch them.

Neither do autistics easily understand the human archetypes. They tend to be unable to "digest" them, feeling anxious and disgusted as a result. The more non-autistics talk about tasting the sweetness of love and a man's duty in protecting his woman, the more it puts autistics off romance. The challenges autistics face with intimacy may too difficult and alien for non-autistics to understand.

Perhaps many autistics are actually looking more for a professional relationship - someone who will share and complement their skills, knowledge, obsessions and interests. They are not necessarily keen to snuggle together in the park, but to debate philosophy and share stories of imaginary worlds. Their idea of a wonderful night may be of the couple completing a mathematical thesis or computer program together. They would like a partner who appreciates their talents, skills, and interests.

Some people who do not understand may say things like "come on, expand your horizons" and "getting a girlfriend will help you learn to love people". Sometimes I am also tempted to ask them to study astrophysics and advanced calculus to expand their own horizons.

A little tip for autistics: It is OK if you are not interested in romance, but it is generally bad taste to announce that to other people. If you are not interested, just state that you are single by choice as you prefer to focus on your career. Smile and let people tease you a bit. In most cultures, it is acceptable to sacrifice romance for career advancement.

And if you are lucky enough to find a good partner who loves you and who you love, I hope that you will also share your blessings with the world. Planet Earth definitely needs more love.

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Last modified: Sat, 12 April 2008
Note: This may be only a minor modification (e.g. changing a spelling mistake)